I’ve been racing. Wanting to DELIGHT the Entire World.
These months have been transformative. Shifting. Change. Clarity. Healing. Flowing through me so quickly I cannot keep up. Every day brings new realizations. Ah ha’s. Ooooooh’s. Awwww’s. In between rapid breaths & heartbeats.
When I discovered, to my shock & delight, that I made it through my treatment, that one day I will be a healthy girl, my world changed. When I was sick, I knew I was running out of time. For 27 years I’ve been living almost backwards. Needing to fill every second. Desperate not to waste a single minute. Obsessed with making the most beautiful difference. While I was here.
But. And this is a scary But. And to admit this is terrifying. Because it leaves me more vulnerable than I’ve ever allowed My Self. I’m only fully realizing this now, but I was able to Survive my illness for two reasons.
I LOVE Life so much it makes me feel like bursting. This LOVE I can’t house in My Self. It’s just too immense & magnificent. And I never imagined giving up for a second (though I came very close to giving up on doctors). This is the reason I clung to. It is my Sparkle. The girl I knew I was beneath my illness. This is part of Me that was Delighting. Spoiling my Loves. Creating beauty through my work. Slowly aligning my life with my Dreams. Despite my Body Mind & spirit rapidly crumbling with DisEASE.
The second reason is far more uncomfortable. I could not let my self acknowledge it while I was in the midst of battling. Deep in Survival Mode, to have admitted this to myself would have meant the end. Without clinging to my illusion of LOVE. The idea I had of My Self as being the 100% in control, Sparkly, World-Illuminating, cupcake-baking, adorably-academic, Alice-in-Wonderland. Without the performance I gave when I was too ill for it to Shine through me in it’s Glittery Whimsical Authenticity.
Without this I could not have got through the days where I forced myself through the wall of pain to get out of bed, or I was so scared of My Body’s latest trick I hid in the bathroom to cry before fixing up my makeup, popping on my 100watt smile & getting on with it. I convinced My Self it wasn’t that bad. That I was making it up. And over the years, it became easier because I stopped letting My Self FEEL the FEAR. I denied SHAME. Busyness-ed over Terror. Achieved over sadness. Spoiled my Loves over unworthiness. Exhausted myself over laziness. I intellectualised my Fears & Pain. My Mind Disconnecting further from my Feelings in Body & Spirit. Stuck in the Catch-22 I’d attempt to in(habit) St(illness), FEAR would surge in & instead of Lovingly allowing it to flow through me, I resisted, numbed & projected.
But as a result I’ve stopped being able to ENJOY My Self. In blocking FEAR, I blocked LOVE. In resisting terror, I resisted Joy. I numbing pain, I numbed Pleasure.
I developed six quadrillion layers of meticulously calibrated armor, complete with watch towers, laser beams & fingerprint-iris-scanning-DNA-profiling Access Coded security. The first layer was the ‘I must look after myself’. Then came ‘I must hide my illness at all costs (because if doctors can’t help me I must be kookoo crazy)’. Then ‘I mustn’t ask for help’. ‘I must spoil everyone I love (while not letting them get too close)’. My bucket was empty. My net riddled with holes. I didn’t realise that in giving giving giving what I could not afford to give, I was turning My Loves into thieves! What a shocking realisation!
I couldn’t admit this side of my story to My Self. And now I’m allowing My Self scary little peeks, I certainly don’t want anyone know this side of my story. Because while my Mind has moved into Thriving, my Body & Spirit are still in survival mode convinced that I am two separate halves. Light & Dark. Sparkly & Shameful. Good & Bad.
FEAR is still telling me that I’m not enough. That my hypersensitivity is weakness. That my illness was an excuse. That I should be ashamed of my broken body.
But you know what? I’m stuck on the wrong Radio Station.
I’ve been afraid to STOP. Terrified of St(illness). FEAR was driving me. And instead of leaning to Listen to my lessons, I raced and raced and raced some more. Sparkling. Perfecting. Striving. Achieving. My Mind knows that I have Time now. A LifeTime of Time. Time to DESIGN every one of my secret delicious DREAMS into DELIGHT. But before I do, I must take Time. Perhaps a few years of Time. To Heal. My Body. Mind. Spirit. Before I can illuminate My World.
Dearest darling Izennah. You are enough. I promise. Love always. Your Sparkle xo
To move from Surviving to Thriving, I just need to STOP. And gently retune the station. In every delicious Breath.
In allowing My Self to Feel FEAR, I’m allowing Love, Pleasure & Joy to Flow.
In Being. Not Doing. I’m slowly di(solve)ing FEARS. One by one.
Surrendering to Serendipity.