I’ve just returned from another week racing around Brisbane visiting doctors, as part of my journey to balance my illness and become a vibrantly healthy girl. It was another challenging week. I am learning so much about myself. Trust. Fear. Uncertainty. And Love. I returned to Dr Mel (my own adorable less-cranky House) to discuss my early test results (which were more confusing and strange than anything he had seen before, I am nothing if not an overachiever) and to begin an interim treatment plan before Christmas. I will see him in February once all of my tests have been flown in from labs across the globe, and he has the untangled kooks and quirks of my body into some semblance of order, separating the root cause, from my dozens of secondary, tertiary and quadtiary (is that a word?) symptoms.

At this stage we know that every system in my poor little bod is struggling along, but Dr Mel is confident that if I commit 12 to 18 months to my treatment, living at home in Darwin, gentling rebalancing, nourishing, and following his holistic treatment I will emerge a stunning, vibrant, strong, shimmering butterfly.

My job is to focus. To be still.

To sleep. To eat beautifully (Low-FODMAP diet). To relax. To soothe. Lengthen. Release. To practice yoga. To meditate. To connect with Nature. To surrender to the support of my family and Loves. To create beauty. To LIVELIGHTLY. To build my beautiful business, my MÉTIER. To be gentle with myself. To be compassionate. And Loving. Especially when I am having a rough day. To stay hungry. Motivated. Passionate. To gently Design my Dreams into Life, so I am ready to Delight. It is going to be a challenging 18 months. Rebalancing is going to be difficult, uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I am ready.

I am so excited to have the opportunity to really LIVELIGHTLY.

I have the chance to be still. To be wrapped up in Love. I am so grateful and fortunate to have my incredible family and Loves taking care of me. Though I have been discovering Live Lightly and experimenting with Luxurious Simplicity for years, consciously choosing less. Less things. Less bills. Less obligation. More passion. More experience. More Life. I was never still. I rushed around. I took on dozens of projects. I said yes to everything. I travelled and adventured. I exhausted myself. I pushed myself. Because I LOVE life. I ache to experience every single moment. To drink in every drop. But this year I will be still. I will be gentle. This year I don’t have a million and one meetings to rush to. My Loves are wrapping me up in support, spoiling and strength. I am building LIVELIGHTLY slowly. I am giving my body the gift of Time to heal. I am giving myself the gift of Time, to rediscover myself, outside of this illness. And in doing so I will discover my true natural spectrum. And by 2013 I’m pretty sure I will look and feel as radiant as Miranda Kerr…

Feeling big feelings.

This year, more than ever, I will need to use all my LIVELIGHTLY tools. I must connect deeper than ever with my MIND BODY SPIRIT LOVE  HOME  WORK and PLAY. In my MIND, I must cultivate Acceptance, learning to identify, sit with and release difficult thoughts and emotions. Before seeing Dr Mel, I was convinced that my illness was not real, I must ‘just get on with it’, and thus I never allowed myself to experience fear, frustration, anger or sadness. Now I have the support I need, I am in a place to begin sitting with these avoided feelings. They bubble up through me, and one by one I am letting them tell me what they need me to hear.

This is so tricky.

I don’t know what to do with some of them. I do not inhabit Grace. I awkwardly offer them tea and biscuits and sit gingerly beside them on the sofa. Sometimes I get scared and I rush them out the door, pretending I have an emergency to attend to (is denial and emergency?). I grapple and struggle. But it is only when I stop grappling. And stop struggling. That the original feelings defuse, and pass through me. I let go of the unhelpful voices that are there just to add noise and confusion. The ‘why am I feeling this feeling?’. ‘I am so guilty for feeling this’. ‘I am so ungrateful/silly/crazy/emotional/wussy’ for feeling this. ‘Why am I acting like this’.

I felt things this week that were bigger, darker, scarier than anything I had ever felt. Funnily enough, though I didn’t realise it at the time, because I now feel safe enough, loved enough, supported enough, I could allow myself to fall apart. I no longer need to hide my illness and pretend to everyone that I am a vibrantly healthy girl. Because in 18 months time, I will be.

It is incredible to have safe spaces to share and express myself.

With my mum. My girlfriends. My Loves. Here. You. LIVELIGHTLY. It is incredible to be able to process my thoughts and and capture them here. My Loves and this space remind me every day that I am building a magnificent something (and give me a kick in the buttinski when I need it). Thank you.

I’d love you to share the LIVELIGHTLY Love. Simply link to ilivelightly.com xo

I would be delighted to Tweet you!

How do you feel your Big Feelings? Do you offer them tea and biscuits? Who or where are your safe spaces?

A LITTLE NOTE I am sharing my experience with this yet-to-be-determined Autoimmune-ish illness as an impatient ‘patient’ (not a Doctor). If you or your Loves are suffering from anything similar, and I can help at all, I would be absolutely delighted to share more details with you. Simply tweet me @izennah or email izennahhogan@izennah.com. Sarah Wilson,  Jess Ainscough and Chris Kresser have provided inspiration throughout my journey and their blogs are incredible resources.

More Minxy Musings...

Illness. Stillness. Healing. Healing. Trust. Uncertainty. Intuition. Di(solve)ing FEAR. Beauty. Healing. Body. Art.