I have written a little about beauty. I wandered through the idea of breathing deeply and choosing beauty. I rediscovered that mindfulness allows me to see beauty, even if I don’t have the words to articulate it.
My own journey to not only being able to say the words ‘I am Beautiful’, but living that feeling everyday, has been a process of trying on the world!
Trying on the world.
I am a beauty-aholic. Always drawn to the beautiful. To LOVE. But I did not know what beauty meant to me. I felt overwhelmed by it. I did not know where to begin. I certainly did not feel beautiful because I did not know myself. Sometimes I felt pretty, or less awkward, or like I was inhabiting a small part of who I thought I might be, but not beautiful.
My life has been a dazzling journey of immersing myself in different worlds of beauty, to see what fits, resonates, what makes me tingle! I tried on words, fashions, music, designers, art movements, historical periods, cities, countries, languages, personality traits, hairstyles (oh so many hairstyles), colour palettes, sounds, smells, cosmetics, creative mediums, career paths, times of day (& night), situations, experiences, relationships, dresses, shoes, philosophies, homes, things, interests, hobbies, careers, skills, ideas, PASSIONS. Yes I am a scanner, a multipotentialite, a Sparkler, a Luminary.
I tried on every dress in the store, armfuls of gorgeous garments placed aside in they-are-so-beautiful-why-don’t-they-suit-ME bewilderment.
I explored parts of myself, parading the fabulous bits, ‘check out my enthusiasm, my sparkle, my wittiness’, hiding the awful bits, ‘nothing to see here, certainly not perfectionism, control issues and a smidge of anxiety’.
I bounded capriciously through phases and obsessions. I revelled in beauty. All this time feeling like I was staging my very own costume parade. One day esoteric Hegelian philosopher izennah, the next Marc Newson cool designer izennah, the next 80’s bright party princess izennah, the next Urban Hippy Sustainable Vegan izennah. My newest concepts of beauty manifested almost instantly in the clothes I wore, the books I read (okay devoured), the friends I spent most time with, my lingo, look and loves, even my handwriting! The shape of my life literally morphed to accommodate the latest costume change.
Then I would be delighted to discover something that fit.
A colour would fill my senses, this piece slotting precisely into the puzzle.
A word would swirl around inside me, completing another gap.
The thread of an idea would untangle itself. I would gently add it to the board.
And slowly I discovered the outline, breathing life into my own concept of beauty.
What is BEAUTY Lightly?
When I say beauty, I do not mean perfection.
At least not in the way it seems to be used. My beauty is not flawless, or symmetrical, or retouched, or untouchable. My beauty is the perfection I perceive in chaos, life, messy authenticity, French chic, Danish Hugge, Japanese wabi sabi.
Imperfect, impermanent & incomplete.
As I continue to try on the world, honing my insatiably beauty-greedy eye, I am beginning to step out of the costume parade and into my own beautiful reality. As my concept of beauty reveals itself, I begin to choose beauty. I am learning what fits me, so my choices are becoming Luxuriously Simple.
I don’t need to try on every dress in the store. I can see the one from a mile away. It makes me tingle. The perfect colour, fabric, and shape. It is magical. I know it will lovely-fy my pointy bits and Beyonce-fy my roundy bits. It will feel luxuriously comfortable and give me that sass in my step. And I will feel myself in this luxury, whether I am working at my desk, or talking to that cute boy at the cafe because it makes my life beautiful.
I lovingly create little pockets of sweetness in my day. They fit perfectly. And it seems like these conscious choices are taking on a life of their own, exploding deliciously into a whole new life of Luxurious Simplicity.
Of course I continue to experiment.
I am a beauty junkie remember? So I’ll try on that impeccably tailored olive-green power suit, just for fun, to give my Corporate Warrior fantasy self a little hello. But it’s just for fun, because I know I have found my sweet spot, and this beautiful world I am creating is only getting more vivid.
I am Beautiful.
So when did I shift to feeling Beautiful? From discovering beauty, and choosing beauty to one day feeling and knowing that I am beautiful?
It is so new for me. I can only say that I now have glimpses of myself expressing the beauty that I longed to discover. I have little moments where writing pours out of me and captures it, or I am lost in the flow of design, or I act beautifully, compassionately in a challenging situation, or I am able to speak, communicating my heart, or I feel poised and graceful. In these moments it is easy to feel delightful. I am embodying my ‘ideal’ self.
The most important part of this story.
Naturally these ideal moments soon give way to my more awkward, bumbling, bruised moments. And that is okay, because through this journey I have started to learn to see my own Imperfect, Impermanent, Incomplete beauty. I am learning to embrace the ‘fabulous’ and ‘awful’ bits with equal delight, discarding the labels, and seeing them not as parts but as a whole. A hyper-colour spectrum of congruent contradiction. Just me. This was the shift.
I am beautiful.
I am Beautiful.
I am BEAUTIFUL.
Now I have the capacity to know that I am Beautiful, the awkward, bumbling, bruised moments are instead giving way to the articulate, compassionate, poised moments. In knowing that I am Beautiful, I am able to express and inhibit beauty.
Because I am falling in love with the messy, imperfect parts of me.
And I leave it here, because next I am writing about LOVE Love love.
I would be delighted to Tweet you!
Do you know that you are Beautiful? How have you tried on the world? What does your beauty look like, sound like, smell like? Tell me about the costumes you have tried on, the more hilariously ill-fitting the better!